Joke of the day

Subject: Joke of the day Wed Jul 15, 2009 1:19 pm

Ok post your joke of the day here...
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*** FROM A DOG’S DIARY ***

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE !
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE !
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

*** FROM A CAT’S DIARY ***

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer …” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:51 am

***DUSTY UNDERWEAR***

One morning Matt took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ?
?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them
out.

"Donna," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's
'Miracle Grow'."

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:14 pm

***How To Gain An Extra Vacation Day***

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

To which she replied:

'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:09 pm

***A Duck Walks Into A Bar***

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:58 am

Another blond joke....

***Does It Hurt When I Do This?***

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:31 am

Hahahhahaa Very Happy

Loved the joke with the duck,others also got 5* from me,keep posting Jerry Very Happy

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:27 am

feel free to post a joke before me anytime Razz

Only just 1 joke a day here guys. So if some1 posted a joke a certain day you will have to save your joke until the next...

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:56 pm

***There Are No Dogs Allowed Here***

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Mon Jul 20, 2009 11:54 pm

***some more blonde jokes.....***

what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

you pull the pin and throw it back

how does a blonde kill a fish?

she drowns it

how does a blonde kill a worm?

she burys it

how does a blonde kill a bird?

she throws it of a cliff

how do you kill a blonde?

you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool/you put a condom on top of a flag pole

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Tue Jul 21, 2009 8:32 am

I love jokes with blonde 1st place

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:23 am

OK last blond joke this week...I promish

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Thu Jul 23, 2009 2:34 pm

*** The Bathtub test***

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Fri Jul 24, 2009 3:37 pm

***HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE/office jokes***

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially
effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Ps. other people can post jokes too(i'm almost out hehe) only 1 post a day please, and that goes for the pic and quote too lolz...

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sat Jul 25, 2009 2:34 pm

*The nines*

One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus number 99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.

"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus number 99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."

"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.

"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"

Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.

The horse came in ninth.

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Jul 26, 2009 1:42 am

*Campingtrip*

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Mon Jul 27, 2009 5:34 am

* A girls night out*

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:42 pm

*Murphy's Law for computers*

10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

and Murphy's Number One Law of Computing...

1. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Wed Jul 29, 2009 2:10 pm

ROFL

murphy rulez!!!

lol!

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:08 pm

Dragonbeggar wrote:: ROFL

murphy rulez!!!

yup lol!! xDD

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Thu Jul 30, 2009 5:38 am

A Husband With A Computer Addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:06 pm

OMG JERRY!
how can u have time to spaaaaaaaaaam like dat XDDDDD Question

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Sun Aug 02, 2009 3:50 am

*vasectomy jokes*

It's a family decision

Joke of the day Vasectomy

Bill was at his family doctor for his annual physical exam. His doctor returned, filling out a bunch of stuff on his chart, and boasted “Your checkup went well, everything looks to be in order. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?”
“Well,” Bill mumbles, “Actually, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked this over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 9 to 2.”

Right After The Operation

Bill wakes up from a vasectomy and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news. “The good news is we were able to save your testicles. The bad news is they’re under your pillow.”

What Really Happened To Bill

While doing the vasectomy, Bill’s doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill’s missing ball with an onion.
Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doc asked. “Pretty good, but I’ve had some strange side effects.” “Like what?” the nervous doc asked anxiously. “Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”

Post-Op Final Check-Up

Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn’t come out – and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. “I’ve tried everything,” he says. “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:10 pm

lol still loling lolololol wtf

ok enough

i dunno which to chose so just posting vid hehe

Subject: Re: Joke of the day Tue Aug 04, 2009 7:23 pm

LMAO at smart blondes and UFO

I saw them, not natural ones tho Razz